Thank God for the WORD!

Well, the last time I was on here I wrote that I wanted God to speak to my heart.  The situation I am faced with seems impossible, but with God all things are possible.  God does not lie, whatever he says can be taken to heart.  So every since I said I needed God to speak to my heart He has been doing just that.  It has happened in many ways.  God keeps speaking to me telling me that everything is going to be all right.  It also seems that every church service I attend I hear the same message, have faith in God, He's working things out for you.  So I've just got to hold on to that. 

Today at church our Bishop preached about how we lost our church almost two years ago to arson.  I still remember that horrible feeling of being told our church was burning to the ground, but God has done so much for us since that terrible day.  We didn't understand it at the time, but God has allowed us to meet some awesome people and to really be blessed as a result of the fire.  If God turned something so horrible into something so wonderful, with opportunities which we would have never had if it hadn't been for the fire, then I know he can turn my bad situation around.

Ok, enough about that.  I haven't been up to much else lately.  This week I'm heading to the west coast for a couple of courses for my job and I am excited about that.  It will get me out of my routine and on Tuesday at least I'll be able to sleep for a bit.  God knows just what we need and when we need it. So I am thankful for the trip coming up.  I just gave my mom a copy of my itinerary, it will be a busy trip, but nevertheless a time for me to break routine.  Sometimes a break in routine is so necessary, especially with everything going on here.  I was thinking that I will take some time in my hotel room to pray, I mean really pray. 

I will also take some time on the plane and in the evenings to catch up on some reading.  Right now I am reading "Little Bee" by Chris Cleave.  It is good so far.  I have slowed down quite a bit with my reading since I have been busy settling in to my new job as well as doing all of the wedding planning and keeping up with a busy church life!  I wanted to read more books this year than I did last year (I keep a book journal) and the way things are looking right now, I'm not sure it's going to happen.  Anyway, I think I am going to wrap this entry up.  The bottom line is, God is good, he's working things out and I love him!  Good night all!

I'm back...

Wow, didnt have much time for writing going to church every night.  Nevertheless I had a good time each night and was glad God gave me the opportunity to attend.  I was able to enjoy our national leader on Friday night.  It seemed he was speaking directly to my situation in terms of my finances.  Actually, the whole week I heard messages that seemed to be aimed at my financial situation, nevertheless it hasn't changed yet.  I really thought it would happen last week.  I know that we can't put a timer on God.  He does things in his own time, but Ijust kept feeling that I was supposed to have my breakthrough last week.  Perhaps it's held up?  I don't know what the situation is, but I would prefer it if it would work out now.

Other than my finances, things are going well.  I have my health and strength, a source of income, a wonderful fiancee,and a tremendous anointing on my life.  From the outside things probably look perfect, but yet I feel like I have a thorn in my flesh.  So many things are needed and I can'tdo do anything about them.  God must intervene! 

In other news I got my body magic on Saturday.  We went to visit our good friends who live in Connecticut.  The wife sells body magic and gave me a discount since my bridal party is also ordering from her.  It really makes a huge difference!  I wore it to church on Sunday and it definitely made my clothes look different.  I also wore it to work today.  I like the difference and it wasn't too much of a pain getting into and out of the garment in order to use the bathroom.  I don't think of it as a weight loss product although that's what it is toted as.  I think of it as a girdle, simply something to make my clothes fit more nicely.  I'm glad I got it.  I got it because of my wedding dress only to find out that my dress has so much sheer material on the back, I cannot wear my body magic under it.  :(  My dress looks fine without it though.  I'm very pleased with it. I just need to find a place to get it pressed.

Well, I think that's pretty much all I have to say tonight.  Nothing much is new in my life.  My brother is over filling out job applications.  It's a shame that both of us have advanced degrees (M.S. for him and Ph.D. for me) and yet we are both extremely broke.  It's so disappointing to put in all of that work and then struggle like I'm struggling.  Feels like it wasn't worth it at all.  I heard so many times that it would pay off, is it paying off?  Doesn't feel like it AT ALL! 

Ok, that was a whole lot of complaining and I really shouldn't because God has been wonderful for me.  No, I don't have all of the things I want, and I feel like there are some things that I need that have not been taken care of yet, but I shouldn't complain.  There are people in far worse situations than what I'm facing.  I'm grateful to God that things are not worse.  At least, if nothing else, I have a roof over my head.  As the song says, "it could have been me, outdoors, with no food or no clothes.  or all alone, without a friend, or just among the number with a tragic end, but Lord you didn't see fit, to let any of these things be.  Everyday by your power, you keep on, keep on keeping me.  So  I wanna say THANK YOU LORD for alllllll you've done for me!  I think that's all I want to say tonight.  Good night!

P.S. IF there are any prophets/prophetesses among my readers, I would love to hear a word fom the Lord.  Speak to my heart.  I need a word!

Missed A Few Days

Got really busy and missed a few days, but I am determined to keep this going.  It was pretty difficult last week with vacation bible school.  The weekend went by really quickly too.  On Saturday I was invited to a bridal shower for a friend of mine.  My best friend and I went together and the shower ran 2 1/2 hours late.  We ended up leaving early without eating because my best friend had to get back to her baby who was with her mom.  It was actually a pretty hectic day that day.  I was attempting to do some cleaning and ended up really exhausted.  After leaving the shower my best friend came over to see me in my wedding dress.  I was so glad she liked it (yes I value her opinion very much!).  Looks like God is working things out in his own time.  Can't hurry God, just have to wait....I'm remembering that old song.  Means a lot to me right about now.

Sunday was another busy church day.  We were in service for a really long time Sunday Morning.  Our Bishop preached and it was communion Sunday so things ran really late.  By the time I got home (had to drop some people off and also ran into an old friend -an odd story that deserves its own blog) it was after 3:00 and our choir was scheduled to sing at another service at 4:00pm.  There's a member of our church who plays the piano for another church.  She was being given an appreication service at that church.  Actually, they give her an appreciation every year.  So I didn't even have a chance to eat before rushing over to that service.  By the time I got home that evening I was exhausted.  Then my mom was over my cousin's house and needed a ride home at 10:00 at night.  I feel like I can never just get rest on the weekend....starting to feel like a crazy lady, but thank God for the strength to make it through!

So now I've started this crazy process all over again.  This week is our annual state convocation of the Church of God in Christ.  It's a glorious week of services, singing, praising, and hearing God's word.  Last night we kicked it off with an AWESOME musical which my cousin did an EXCELLENT job of putting together.  I'm so proud of him.  :)  Everyday this week I will be heading to service after church.  It's going to be another tough week in terms of me being tired, but I know it will be worth it.  Saturday I will be heading to CT to visit a close friend of mine.  I think I'll be tired again and really won't be getting any rest for a while.  Pray for me yall!  I really need it!

I guess I'd better sign off for now.  I'm writing this from work during my lunch break and my break is over!  Talk to you all soon!

Prayer

Dear God,

I truly thank you for another day.  Thank you for waking me up this morning.  Thank you for another opportunity to enter your house of worship.  Lord, I just want to thank you because all that's good and perfect comes from you.  You are an awesome God.  You are holy and righteous.  You are a wonderful saviour and I'm so happy just to know you.  Just to know that I am not without hope is a wonderful thing.  Just to know that you care for me and are working things out for my good is awesome.  I know that I'm not perfect and I mess up often.  However, you are so merciful to me.  I know that what really matters is not all of the stuff that I am concerning myself with.  What's most important is my soul.  Even though I know this I am constantly thinking about my situation.  I try to take my mind off of it, but there's always something that happens to bring it to mind.  I feel like I'm on a sinking ship and there's nothing I can do about it.  I guess I'm actually right in that.  I CAN'T do anything about my situation.  I'm at a point where I know there's nothing humanly possible that can be done to turn things around.

So God, here I am.  I am your child.  I have committed my life to you.  I have said, I believe in God.  I believe that Jesus is the son of God.  I believe that there's power in the word of God.  I believe that all God has to do is speak into my situation and it will be forever changed.  So here I am oh God.  I'm coming to you in the name of Jesus.  Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.  You promised in your word to supply all of my needs according to your riches in glory.  Lord, you promised that you would never leave or forsake me.  You promised that if  called upon you in the day of trouble, you would deliver me so that I can give you glory.  Here I am Lord.  I'm at the end of my rope.  There's nothing else that can be done unless you do.  There's no change coming unless you do it.  Please hear my cry Lord.  Help me Oh God!  Please Lord Jesus.  Come quickly, Lord God!  Make yourself known in my situation.  Show yourself strong oh God.  I need you now Lord God.  I need you now.  I need a change.  Not just in my situation, ,but also the situations of people around me.  Look on that co-worker who needs some fixes in her home, look on those financial situations that need to be turned around, bless that one in the hospital that needs to be healed.  Help Help Help!  Lord you're able.  Lord you're able.  I'm just waiting on you to move.

You know what I'm feeling God.  You know the situation I am facing.  I believe that by this time tomorrow a change will have come.  Oh Hallelujah.  I feel your presence even as I type this Lord.  I believe that you have so something so grand for me.  I won't be able to believe what you're doing.  I hear you saying don't worry, I'm working it out for your good.  You know all about me.  You know where I'm hurting.  You know what my fears are Lord.  I just want you to move on my behalf.  I'm ready for my change Lord.  I'm ready to walk into your promises.  I'm ready to hear your voice again.  Please Lord!!!  I love you, and I praise you.  I give you all of the glory and all of the honor.  I thank you for being there for me.  I thank you for what you're going to give me.  You're an awesome God.  I love you Lord!

I'm sleepy, so sleepy...

What am I doing up at this hour?  Especially after having such a long day!  I am now exhausted, but I'm trying to make it a habit to write something every night.  The day started off a little rocky.  I made it out of the house on time on my way to work, but traffic was horrible and construction was everywhere.   I ended up being 20 minutes late.  I'd intended to leave early today because yesterday I left work a half an hour late.  So much for that!  I was nervous about what my boss would say.  Then I had to go to a presentation that she was giving and the projector wouldn't work.  I was frustrated, flustered, and nervous and the projector wouldn't work.  I started to just feel incompetent after awhile (always one to blame myself).  I did get a lot accomplished at work though and ended up having a decent day.

Today was the last day of bible school.   That was nice.  It was a relaxing day where we went over the lesson and then had a pizza party.  Boy how time has flown!  I remember when I was a student in bible school.  I LOVED it!  It was one of the most fun things I remember growing up.  Tonight all of the kids got cetificates for participating and the teachers got thank you cards.  Our bible school director is stepping down so we wished her all the best. She was director when I was a child.  Now here I am being assigned as her replacement.  I hope that I can do half as well as she has done.  The vacation bible school has always been amazing, but it's because of her organization.  She's wonderful and I hope she at least continues to come around.

Not much else to report.  Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's Jack and Jill and then my BF is coming over to get a look at me wearing my wedding dress.  :)  I'm too sleepy to say any more. Night night!

Tough Start, Nice Finish

My day started off pretty stressful.  I overslept and had practically no time to get ready before work.  I ended up getting to work 10 minutes late.  There was a terrible rainstorm on the way to work so traffic was quite slow (I work 35 minutes away from home) and on top of that there was construction being done so traffic was even slower.  Thankfully when I arrived at work my boss was also late. I had a very productive day at work and got a lot done.  I love my job, I really do!  :)

After work I went straight to bible school and it was a really nice time today.  I enjoyed myself so much.  The students were respectful and and interested and really into the crafts and bible lesson.  It made me want to be involved with bible school.  It made me really thankful for the opportunity to be involved in bible school.  Much different than what I felt the first day.

The best part of my day came when I got home to find my wedding dress had arrived.  It is simply gorgeous.  I love it and can't believe I'll be walking down the aisle in it. Wow! Finding my wedding dress was the best thing to come home to.  I can't wait to show my best friend.  Only two more months before I come down the aisle in it!

I want to end today's post by saying God has really done some work on me.  I am so at peace!  My situation hasn't changed and there's no fix in sight, but I am walking by faith and not by sight!  So thankful that God is in control!  :)  Night, night, dear ones!

Better Day

Howdy all,

Well, today was a very good day.  Nothing extraordinary happened, but I guess I'm just as happy about what didn't happen.  I was able to get through my work day and get a lot accomplished.  I love things like that.  Then I went straight to vacation bible school and my students were upbeat and excited to be there.  We had a terrific session today with no negativity at all.  I appreciate having a regular day with no disasters, no meanies, and nothing else unpleasant.  I am tired of course, but that's to be expected with the days I'm putting in.  I can't wait to have  a break.  I'll be getting a break from the usual routine in a couple of weeks.  My job is sending me to a training course on the other side of the country.  So although it will be work and I'll have to do a lot of learning, it will be nice to get away from the hectic routine that is my life.

I don't feel like writing much tonight.  I just want to say that I feel a great change coming in my life.  I have stopped complaining about my finances and really I've stopped worrying about them and already I see God working things out.  Thank you Lord for ALL you've done for me!  Good night, world!

Tough Day

Hi all,

Well, I'm doing well in terms of keeping up with my writing. I've managed to make it here everyday to express myself.  It really does seem to helping me, to have somewhere to get my feelings out.  Right now I feel like crying.  It's not related to the thing I usually whine and complain about and I'm not going to consider what I write to be complaining.  I've been doing really well with that.  I'm just telling about my day.  I should say that I'm so glad to be alive and so greatful for all of my blessings.  I have many, like my ability to move around, think and reason, a roof over my head, a job, a car to get me to and from that job, so many things to be thankful for and yet one little thing comes along and makes me feel like crying. I should also say that I am quite wimpy and very sensitive in terms of my emotions so what happened today probably wouldn't bother anyone else.

I went to work as usual, but when I got there our computer systems were all down and I couldn't do much work at all.  I spent the entire day doing little projects but not accomplishing what I really needed to do.  My boss was out today and for some reason I'm a little conflicted inside about my boss being out and my not accomplishing much today (even though it wasn't my fault).  So after work I went straight to my church for my first day as Principal of the bible school as well as being teacher for the high school class.  I was exhausted after a long day of work and when I got to my high school class I found nothing but TERRIBLE attitude from one of my students.  There was the mumbling under the breath, sighing and it just spilled right over to the other students in the class.  It was such negative energy and I'm not sure if I handled things properly.  I ended up telling them that they don't HAVE to be in my class if they don't want to.  That seemed to make things a bit better, but at the end of the day, I'm the one who left feeling horrible!  I feel that I am not cut out for leadership at all.  I need to be a student and not a teacher.  I was so disappointed that my first day turned out bad.  My students wouldn't participate in my opening activity and it just went very badly.  :(  I really hope tomorrow will be better.

Don't really have much else to report.  Oh, yes there is one thing.  The year before last I was working at a certain college as an adjunct professor.  The Chair of the department encouraged me to apply for a full-time tenure-track position at the college that was opening up. I applied and was invited to give a talk.  I got a lot of positive feedback in addition to talk about what a good fit I would be.  Nevertheless I didn't get the job and was disappointed to get a very unprofessional rejection letter that basically said, "we decided not to pursue you" and that's it.  I was so disappointed because I'd worked with these people and the letter was so cold.  Anyway, I moved on to another college where I taught for a year before moving into administration at my current institution.  So yesterday I received an email from the college that rejected me wondering if I was available to take on a full course load for a person that had resigned.  Can you believe it?  I don't know who resigned but I was pretty surprised.

So I emailed back saying thanks but I already have a position.  They wanted to know if there was anyone else who might be interested.  I told them about a close friend of mine who also got her PhD.  In fact we graduated from the same program the same year and she is still looking for work.  I really hope that it works out for her.  In the meantime, I'm going to see if I can get an adjunct position to make a little extra money.   Just thought it was funny how that college ended up wanting me after all.  There is a lot of stress teaching four courses per semester.  I know that from experience.  I now commend professors for all of their hard work.  It is not easy and I'm actually glad to be in administration now.  I wouldn't mind teaching a course or two, but a full load really leaves no time for anything else but teaching.

Wow, I didn't mean to say all of that.  Guess I needed to get it out of my system.  I hope your day was a wonderful and I'm wishing us all a better tomorrow.  I still believe God, even though my situation is horrible, I can't stop holding on to God's hand.  I know he'll bring me out!  Good night, wonderful world!

Busy Day!

Wow!  What a busy day I had today!  I went to work as usual, but after work I went straight to church for state choir rehearsal.  I didn't have dinner or anything, just went straight to church.  I didn't get home until after 9:00pm.  It was a really tiring day and rehearsal was long and a lot of work.  Some people may wonder why I would push myself like this.  Well, sometimes you have to make sacrifices, and I really believe that if you do things cheerfully and with a good heart, God will reward you.  It's not like I make this kind of sacrifice everyday. So this week I'll be exhausted, and next week too, but I have vowed this week not to do a lot of complaining.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  I am COMPLETELY broke.  In fact my account is overdrawn and I couldn't buy a piece of candy if I wanted to, but I am not upset like I usually am.  I think I've finally realized that there's nothing I can do to change my situation, so why worry about it and fret about it?  Complaining about it certainly doesn't change anything.

Right now I'm sitting here with my fiancee and my mom.  My fiancee was at state choir rehearsal too.  He came up to have a late dinner with me and now he and my mom are talking.  I'm so glad they get along.  Most of the time when he comes over he ends up in some deep conversation with my Mom.  I've always wanted to marry someone that my parents and pastor approve of and it has happened.  I know I've been saying how wonderful my fiancee is, and he IS wonderful.  That doesn't mean our relationship is perfect though.  There are things that I wish were different, but at the end of the day I know he's the one for me.  :)

What else is there?  Not much....I just wanted to get in the habit of writing something everyday.  Oh, one thing I need to start doing is planning for my honeymoon.  Initially we wanted to go to the Poconos, but now we're changing our minds mainly due to our financial woes.  Any suggestions on somewhere inexpensive and fun?  Good night all, happy tomorrow!

Sunday

Just got back from church where I had a wonderful time!  I am a Sunday School teacher and today's lesson seemed to be more for me than for the students!  Seems like that happens just when you need it.  Our lesson was about faith, that special ingredient in prayer.  I was so encouraged by our lesson.  God is reaching out to me and I can feel it.  I can feel it again!  I must admit that lately I have been feeling alone and like God is not dealing with me, but this is just another sign that he knows my situation.  I'm the one who just needs to have faith.  Why keep praying if you don't believe God is capable?  Why keep praying if you don't believe anything will happen.  That's what our lesson was about.  So I've gotten the message twice in the past week.  I'll let you know how things turn out once I start exercising faith.

Then, my fiancee preached a wonderful word on this morning.  He talked about the importance of focusing on praise rather than on our situation.  He talked about how praise can bring us through so many thing.  He shared his own testimony of losing his uncle recently and how he was very hurt and saddened, but yet he had a praise on the inside that brought him through.  I am so proud of how he allows God to use him.  Of course he has a wonderful sense of humor too so he had us cracking up throughout his sermon.  Again, I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful man!

Well, it's extremely hot today.  I'm going to go now, drink some water and relax before it's time to head back to church for evening service.  Thank God for sending me all of the encouragement.  Everything will be all right.  I just know it!

End of the Day

Well, I definitely won't be writing this often, but I thought tonight before I hit the sack, it would be good to put a little something down.  I had a pretty decent day today.  I spent most of it at home relaxing and catching up on some reading.  Right now I'm reading "Plenty Good Room" by Cheri Paris Edwards and I love it!  I absolutely love Christian fiction when it is done right, and this author does and absolutely fantastic job!  Made me go online and search for her only to find she is coming out with her second book next week!  Perfect timing for me.  So I'll have to pick it up.

It was extremely hot today with high humidity, miserable weather, or staying-indoors-type weather.  I did just that but at 5:00pm me and my fiancee got in the car and drove an hour to our state choir rehearsal.  For those of you who are not COGIC,  it stands for Church of God in Christ.  It's a Pentecostal denomination that is world-wide but also breaks down into states, districts, and of course local churches.  In any case, our COGIC State Holy Convocation is starting in a couple of weeks and we are having rehearsals now.  I'm one of the few people in the State choir that sings soprano.  We have LOADS of tenors and altos.  The rehearsal tonight was really good and lifted my spirits.  I think I really needed to be in the presence of the Lord.  We sang so many songs and my heart was uplifted.  I feel truly blessed.

It was also nice to be with my fiancee tonight.  Feels like we hardly spend time together anymore because things are so busy and hectic, but tonight it was just me and him on our little road trip and I loved it.  He has to preach at church tomorrow so he's feeling a bit nervous (he always does) but I know God will give him what to say and how to say it, and he'll listen to God because that's the kind of man he is.  I'm blessed to be marrying a wonderful person.

Well, I think that's about it.  I am going to head to bed now.  Yall have a wonderful night and a better tomorrow.  God bless!

Hello World!

Decided to start a blog. I need somewhere to express myself. See, I'm one of those people who is always helping others. I listen to everyone's problems, I offer advice, I smile when I really feel like crying, and apparently I come across as very strong. However, that's not how I feel inside. I really wish that someone could see that I'm struggling ,that I'm having lots of different issues right now, that I need help! You may be saying, well just ask for it. I have done that but I get the response, "girl, you're all right!" or, "That's not a big deal!" but it is a huge deal to me at the time. I need an outlet, somewhere that I can be completely honest and express what I'm feeling. This is why I'm starting this blog. Right now I'm going through so many changes. Here are some examples:

- I just started a brand new job! Yay! I'm enjoying it. I finished my PhD in May 2009 and this is my first permanent, full-time position. My finanaces have suffered greatly as a result of not having permanent work. So I'm now trying to get back on track with everything.

- I am 33 years old and just got engaged in December 2009 (on Christmas Day). It's wonderful, but it's been so stressful planning a wedding that I don't have the money to pay for. In addition, I've never lived with a man before (good ole' COGIC girl that I am) so it's exciting and scary to be moving in with my fiancee.

- I've been living with my mother and of course I'm moving out since I'm getting married, but I honestly worry about her living alone. She's getting up in age and is a single woman (I'll blog about my parents one day in the future). I just want her to be safe and happy. I do help her out financially, but don't know if I'll be able to afford to do that when I get married. I'm REALLY worried about that.

I could go on. The bottom line is I'm a woman in transition. Things are changing and I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings about these changes. I feel stressed, I feel frustrated, I feel discouraged and often I feel invisible. So here is where I will come to vent. You'll read about my job, my wedding, my fiancee, my family, my financial woes, my church. I plan to share my life openly and honestly, not for other people, but for me.